Sometimes I even buy her one.
I’m a very unhealthy, poor man.
My wallet is empty and the bags underneath my eyes are full.
I’ve been out dating, you see.
It’s a beautiful, terrifyingly expensive experience.
I’ve drunk loads of bitter.
A bastard gut full of lager.
More than my fill of cider.
Too much wine.
Many, many cocktails.
A lot of neat vodka.
Bits and bobs of gin.
And, if I’m not mistaken, half a cup of gravy from a Bosnian saxophonist’s boot.
Although I could be making the last one up.
I’ve been on a dating binge.
And with this much dating comes a monumental amount of knowledge.
And in the spirit of the internet, I’d like to spread my knowledge seed all over your keyboard, your monitor and possibly your knuckles.
So grab a tissue and read my Dos and Do-Fucking-Nots of dating internet girls.
DO stand out. The best way to do this is by making your profile stirringly witty. If you’re not capable of that, then just upload a profile picture of yourself that highlights that alarming facial disfigurement – there’s no better way to shake off the stigma and hurt that you’ve carried with you since childhood, you can only be you, and…no…that’s not a…for the love of…my eyes, take it away, TAKE IT AWAY.
DO-FUCKING-NOT write that you ‘love a good night out on the town, but you also love a good night in on the sofa’. Because, really, there is no alternative to being either inside or outside – it’s just like stating that you’re okay with being either asleep or awake – and if you say something’s ‘good’ you don’t really need to add that you ‘love’ it, do you? You massive, massive chosper.
DO post an honest profile picture. I’ve learnt that you can’t polish a turd – but you can roll it in glitter, stick it in a bikini, give it a rum & coke and ask it to pose provocatively. However, when you meet it in Farringdon, it just looks like a turd.
DO FUCKING NOT message girls with an elaborate Jack the Ripper based metaphor. Turns out, girls do not find prostitute evisceration that funny.
DO become a consummate piss artist. There is no point taking a date to any other place than the pub, anywhere else is nothing less than a crime against nature. And nobody likes a sober criminal.
DO FUCKING NOT spend three hours in the pub with your friends before you meet your date though.
DO read through your messages before you meet your date, so you don’t have to ask her the same questions in person that you’ve already asked her via email.
DO FUCKING NOT tell your date that you’ve got a blog, but that you “probably” won’t blog about her unless “one of us suffers some unorthodox sexual failing”.
DO wear brogues.
DO FUCKING NOT let on that you can’t remember the date’s name and that the subject of conversation for the last 35 minutes has been a convoluted attempt to get her to say her name in full.
DO insist that an Englishman never ever tells. Ever. So stop asking for my fucking pin code, okay?!
DO FUCKING NOT under any circumstances describe a profile that you thought was a complete car crash, only to realise that it belongs to the girl you’re with (after you’ve extensively quoted from it verbatim), stop mid sentence and say “Aaaaaaaand I’m talking about you, aren’t I?!”
Do you have any Dos are Do-Fucking-Nots for dating?
You do? Lovely! I want to read them. Simply start your comment with DO or DO FUCKING NOT…
DO FUCKING NOT put a line in your profile that says you’re looking for a ‘partner in crime’. You are an instant oxygen thief and it’s very likely that the only law you ever broke was the speed limit anyway…
DO remember that online dates are never going to meet up to the high standards you have created for them in your head.
DO remember that they are online dating for a reason…
DO FUCKING NOT message girls with an elaborate Jack the Ripper based metaphor. Turns out, girls do not find prostitute evisceration that funny.<<<<<——- That's funny
Don't talk about your mum all night and then suggest your girl date goes home and fuds herself thinking of you. She'll just think of your mum.
DO FUCKING NOT show her a picture of you in your volunteer policeman uniform and say ‘Yeah, I bet you like that, don’t you?’
DO be honest.
But
DON’T be tight with the booze, if you’re going to be honest. I’d rather go home drunk and alone than sober and alone. I say “I” but I’m obviously using the royal “I”…..
DO
get there mega early so they have to find you
DO FUCKING NOT make comments that make Nick Grffin look like a well rounded liberal guy. I went on one date that made (I think) a joke about the Holocaust never ghappening. I assume it was supposed to be a joke, but he did refer to his Scottish Flag tattoo…
Hmm, well that last comment didn’t show up properly did it.
I was referring this this being absolutely amazing –
DO FUCKING NOT under any circumstances describe a profile that you thought was a complete car crash, only to realise that it belongs to the girl you’re with (after you’ve extensively quoted from it verbatim), stop mid sentence and say “Aaaaaaaand I’m talking about you, aren’t I?!”
Dude, you’re fucking hilarious. And a damn fine writer. Keep it up.
Do fucking not have phone sex with internet date before you go on the date and expect him to be interested in your wit and intellect.
DO strike up a pleasant conversation via online instant messaging applications on a Sunday afternoon.
DO FUCKING NOT ask (after 5 minutes) if she is “into bondage and stuff”.
DO clarify that the reason you ask is because you dated a girl that admitted she was and it has scared you a little, thus lulling your new online conversation partner into a sense of empathy and pity.
DO FUCKING NOT follow up the conversation by asking “so what sort of sex stuff are you into then?” She will not think this “keeps things interesting” and will start to worry that she told you roughly where she lives and which park she goes jogging in.